


Fight or Flight

by ShadowFlower99



Series: Moon and Stars, Shadows and Light [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Babying Felix, Crying, Cute, Depression, Felix is a baby, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowFlower99/pseuds/ShadowFlower99
Summary: How long was he going to fight? Persuading himself that he was okay, that the fleeting moments of happiness weren't just that, fleeting. How long was he going to hide? Hide the growing sadness which refused to leave, clinging onto him, making his life seem dull and empty, a world of monochrome.





	Fight or Flight

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, sorry if anything about this is inaccurate, but I tried. (Never had a mental health test done so...)

How long was he going to fight? Persuading himself that he was okay, that the fleeting moments of happiness weren't just that, fleeting. How long was he going to hide? Hide the growing sadness which refused to leave, clinging onto him, making his life seem dull and empty, a world of monochrome.

Felix knew there was something wrong when he started to wake up with little motivation to do anything. He knew it when his happiness started to fade, when laughing became a challenge and when he could not tell the difference between his fake smiles and the real one. But still, he told himself that it wasn't bad enough to tell anyone, that he would be bothering them, that he was okay, he was fine.

Forcing himself to get up was becoming harder everyday, as was going to sleep. He would lie there, wondering what it would be like if he slept and never woke up. It seemed to be a better option every morning when he wished that he hadn't woken up. He would lie in bed, pretending that the world around him didn't exist, that he was alone in a black abyss. In his mind, he was floating in the darkness, alone. Yet, he was alone, wasn't he?

The voice in his head certainly told him so. It whispered things to him, telling him that he was pathetic, useless, that he shouldn't be born. He started to find himself agreeing with the voice, agreeing that yes, he shouldn't be born, and yes, he was pathetic, and didn't deserve his members, his brothers. It was this reason which stopped him from going to Chan, or Woojin, or another member, which stopped I'm from asking for help, and it was this which stopped him from speaking up in their weekly meetings.

\-------------

He had noticed something wrong with Felix, seeing his hesitant laughter, the smile which dropped as soon as he thought no one was watching. Chan didn't know how he could help the other Australian, how to interfere without the other shutting down. He and Woojin often exchanged looks, and he knew that the others had also noticed.

It was Jeongin, who couldn't handle it anymore, pulling Chan aside and whispering, "Hyung, I'm worried about Felix. He doesn't smile much anymore." Chan, feeling his heart break at the other's whispered words, could only hug him, replying "one week. If he doesn't come to us, we'll bring it up at the weekly meeting."

_It didn't take a week._

It was Jeongin who found out, running into the living room, panicked. "Where's Felix? Do you know where he is?" He asked, clutching a piece of paper tightly. Chan shook his head in confusion, having not seen Felix for a while, "he's not in the bedrooms?"

"No, but something else was." Turning around, he ran out with a curse just as Woojin walked in. "Lang-what?" Chan had stood up by then, "something about Felix" was his only reply before the two ran to chase after Jeongin.

They heard him before seeing him, hearing his shouts for Felix to come out, hearing his voice be cut off by sobs and the whispered 'please' being repeated as they got nearer. Woojin, who always had a copy of the master key on him for emergencies, pulled it out, unlocking the door.

They weren't sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn't what faced them. Having hoped Felix only had earphones in and couldn't hear them, they were horrified by the truth.

Opening the door, they were faced with Felix sitting on the tiles, eyes wide, startled. A clang, the sound of a blade dropping to the floor as he started sobbing, accompanied by Jeongin's sobs. As Chan kneeled down, Woojin hugged Jeongin, attempting to calm him down.

"It's okay Lixie," Chan whispered in English,"we aren't mad. May I have a look at that and patch it up?" He kept his voice soft, gentle and somehow soothing. The other only nodded wordlessly, sobs reduced to sniffles. He held out his arm, and Chan noted that there were older cuts, but none of them could be older than a week or two.

Later, after the four of them (especially Jeongin and Felix) were calmer, and Felix's cuts were patched up, they were cuddling in Woojin and Chan's room. "We have to talk about this eventually," Chan whispered to Felix, who had fallen asleep, tired out after all the crying. Woojin had just fallen asleep, Jeongin asleep before him. Chan sighed softly, wondering if he would be able to provide the support, the leadership, that Stray Kids needed.

\----------

At the next group meeting (which they started so that someone could speak up if they were struggling, and so others could speak up if they were worried about someone), Chan was cuddling Felix, the other knowing that this meeting had a focus on him.

There had been no other news, so Chan spoke up, "we have one major thing to speak about, and that's Felix." Said male looked up, deciding to explain himself and get it over with, "I don't know when it got bad, I swear! I just started losing motivation, but it was so slow and gradual that I guess... I never realized how bad it had gotten, and when I did realize, I wanted to ask but..." He took a deep breath, "there was this voice, or something, I don't know. It tells me things, terrible things. It say that I'm useless, pathetic, a waste of space and other things. I don't know, but ai started believing it, so I stopped trying to ask. I deserved it, right?" Felix laughed bitterly, tears falling down his face.

"that's not all" Jeongin interrupted, tearful, "you wrote this letter." He held out a folded piece of paper. Felix had wondered where it had gone, but with Chan's support, he hadn't stressed over it much.

Chan took the paper, unfolding it and looking at the curious glances of the other members, read it.

*Sometimes, its hard, you know? I wonder how long I can last in this world. I feel like I'm drowning, the voice in my head getting louder each day. I said that I won't ever be deceived by these voices, but I lied. I cry out for help and I try to escape but there's no answer till I find the exit. But can I find this exit? It all seems so dark, so endless. I go to sleep, and I wake up, but it all feels the same, this numb nothing. Can anyone help me? Maybe once they could, but now, perhaps it's better if I just left. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, but I wonder if there's any point in living too. Sometimes I just wish that I never existed, or that if I fell asleep, I*

That was where it cut off, and Chan looked up, "what we're the last words?" Felix curled up tighter, trying to hide himself, but whispered "never woke up. It was going to be those three words."

"Aegi" Woojin whispered, knowing Felix liked the nickname, and being coddled, treated almost like you would a child. It was part of him, and it was extremely cute, with each member treating them as if he was younger, even if if they were the younger ones. Not only this, but because of the fact he came from Australia, he didn't like being called Hyung,or any other title/suffix.

"Aegi" Woojin whispered again, "It's okay. We aren't mad. We'll help you okay?" Felix nodded gently as Chan walked back in with his sweater. It was soft, and Chan often wore it when Felix needed comfort. This time, Chan gently put it on Felix, before the other members came back with blankets and pillows (when had they left?) and started setting up a large pillow Fort, where Woojin carried Felix in, and everyone curled around each other in a way that no one knew where they ended and the next person began.

The next day, Chan arranged a doctor's appointment, and Felix was able to get prescribed with some antidepressants. The other members were also gentle and soft with him, either cuddling him, or generally just having skinship. The group also had a number system, where Felix could tell them if his brain started to get noisy again (Felix's words), and so they knew what to expect.


End file.
